Smiling Selfies: The Untold Story

The problem with social media is that we mostly present our very best selves. That can lead to unintentionally making others feel bad about whatever they may be going through and possibly isolate those who are struggling more. No one wants to be a "Debbie Downer", but I think it's important to sometimes show another side. 

As I sit in my parent's living room looking at the mantel where my sister's ashes sit in a jade container and I face the reality of leaving my daughter halfway across the country with her dad for the school year, I get it Robin, I get it. I am in no way comparing my demons to his, no one can truly know someone else's pain. I just know there have been too many times throughout my life when I have felt an overwhelming sadness and fear I will never truly be happy again. 

Then I recall an hour ago watching my daughters swim in the pool while listening to the Beatles. The pure joy on their faces. The cool breeze on a warm day. "Love Me Do" in the air. I don't want to miss a moment like that. No matter how bad it gets sometimes it's living for the next "moment" that gets me through. 

Then Emmett, my parent's boxer, licks my foot as if to say, "Life is good and your feet are tasty." Silly lovable dog. 

Counseling has helped. Medications have helped. Surrounding myself with supportive people helps a lot. But in the truly dark times nothing helps me except remembering those moments. Snapshots of happiness that keep hope alive that more of these moments exist in the future. I have been fortunate that anxiety filled nights, sobbing and gulping at the air because I can't breathe have been followed by mornings where things seem bearable enough to get through another day. For those that these feelings last for days and weeks on end, I cannot imagine the pain and darkness. 

Things that help me like running, yoga and writing seem impossible when you can't even get out of bed or look at yourself in the mirror without loathing. Who am I to enjoy life? What have I done to deserve a moment of joy? 

The thing is none of us are worthy of this beauty that is life and yet all of us are equally and utterly deserving of every day we get. 

The truth is, it's just not always smiley in #selfie world.